Three Devastating Words....
I remember awakening that morning well before the time for my appointment with excitement, eagerness and joy. My face was full of smiles as I laid in bed rubbing my stomach as I whispered to the child growing inside of me. I smiled while saying "I love you Minnie Me" as I proceeded to get out of bed and prepare for my doctor's appointment to check on my love bug. I can remember sitting in the waiting area and seeing all of the women who were further along than I was and so full of joy I smiled and said that's going to be us soon Minnie Me as I rubbed my stomach. My name was called and I went in to get an ultrasound by the ultrasound technician. She was smiling initially then she became quiet and her look went from joy and excitement to panic and concern. I asked "Is everything alright"? She replied "There's no heartbeat"!
My heart sunk into the pits of my stomach and instantly the tears streamed down my face. She rushed out of the ultrasound room to get a doctor who came running in to see if there was a mistake. I laid there silently crying trying to be strong in front of people that I didn't even know. The doctor continued rotating the wand but still nothing. She spoke with me saying sometimes the machines are faulty I want you to go see a specialist immediately. Once I went over the specialist confirmed that the baby had stopped growing three weeks prior.
Devastated, I asked could I have all of the images that she took and she agreed. Once I made it home I balled myself up in my bed and just cried and cried. I became angry and asked "Why me"? "Why my baby"? I then attempted to go to the emergency room and no doctor would even touch me stating that only my doctor could remove the fetus. Completely in shock that not only have I Lost my child I know how to carry my deceased child in my womb for another week.
The whole ordeal was traumatizing but I couldn't stop saying to myself how could I not know. I beat myself up so much because I felt as though I had failed my child. My child had died inside of me and I had no clue, no inclination, no warning, no say, and no nothing. I went through weeks of depression and confusion. I became angry because so many people around me that didn't want kids were becoming pregnant and then contemplating having abortions and here I am left without a choice for my baby. I felt robbed and betrayed by my own body. I instantly felt something was wrong with me because none of my friends around me had gone through what I was going through.
Those three words changed my life forever! I was never the same me after that. I questioned everything; my womanhood, my future, my faith, my purpose and everything. I was in a very dark place and alone. I felt like no one understood how I felt because they had all of their children. People would tell me that I could try again and all I could think about is what if this happens again? What man would want to marry a woman that can't give him children? What kind of woman would I really be unable to bare children? It wasn't until my follow up appointment and they informed me that I had lost over ten pounds that I realized that I was really hurting.
Those three devastating words left a permanent scar over my heart. No woman ever wants to hear that and when they do they instantly feel pain, hurt and failure along with many other emotions. Still to this day I replay that day in my head and I cry. That pain will never go away. Seven years later I still wonder about my Minnie Me that I lost and if my baby was a boy or girl more so how different my life would have been.