My story began in 2009 when I became pregnant with my first child. Initially I was in shock and denial because I always felt that I could not have children due to years of trying and never becoming pregnant. I remember going to my first doctor’s appointment and everything was perfectly fine. They did an ultrasound and I was able to see the sac and was instantly amazed that I truly had conceived. Thing's did not go so smooth at my second appointment. As the technician began trying to find the babies heartbeat I noticed she began to panic and I asked her "is everything alright"? She replied "I can't find your baby heartbeat". My heart dropped to my feet and the tears began to stream down my face as I tried to quietly cry because I didn't want to show any weakness. They sent me to a specialist and they confirmed that my love bug had stopped growing at seven weeks. All I could think is "how could I not know for three weeks my baby wasn't alive". They scheduled a DNC and removed the baby and later told me that there was a chromosomal abnormality and had the baby survived she would more than likely suffered from Downs Syndrome or some other illness.
I went through the darkest and deepest depression of my life. I wanted to just die. I wouldn't eat, drink, bath or anything. I just laid in my bed crying and begging God to kill me because the pain was too hard to bare. It took my mother to come and talk to me and share her story of losing my brother that was a still born before she had me to get me to even acknowledge that I had to get up and out of that depression. Later on that week I had a dream that I had a son and I took that as maybe this is Gods way of showing me that I would one day have a child of my own but right now wasn't the right time.
Fast forward to December 2012, I found out I was pregnant again. I was just as excited as the first time and just knew that this was it and this was the one that would make it. I went in for my first OB appointment and they began doing the ultrasound. I looked eagerly and with high hopes only to be told that yet again something was wrong. I was eight weeks pregnant and all they saw on the ultrasound was the sac. They too sent me to a specialist and they confirmed that I had a blighted ovum. With a broken-heart yet again, I began to wonder what was wrong with me. What am I doing to my babies? I felt empty and ashamed, I didn't want to tell my family that I had lost another baby.
I became pregnant again in May 2013 and I wouldn't allow myself to get excited and looking back it was for good reason. I miscarried within two weeks of getting a positive pregnancy test and before I could even be seen by the doctor. After this loss they began to perform tests to see what was causing the miscarriages. All of my genetic tests came back normal so they decided to do a Pelvic Laparoscopy to take a look at my uterus and all of my reproductive organs to ensure everything was normal. Before they could do the procedure I became pregnant again in June.
At the first ultrasound I wouldn't even look at the monitor because I was so afraid of what I would see. The nurse assured me everything was fine and pointed out my baby's heartbeat. I had never cried such tears of joy until that moment. Due to my previous losses they monitored me closely and began to notice that the baby wasn't growing at a normal rate but the heart was still beating. One day I had this eerie feeling that something was wrong and demanded that the doctors check me and sure enough the baby heartbeat was no longer there. I was devastated and in disbelief. They gave me the option to do a DNC or use vaginal pills called cytotec that would open my cervix so my body could naturally disperse the baby. I opted to do the cytotec at home and I began to have contractions and had to actually push the baby out because I was 14 weeks. This had to be the most traumatizing situation of my life at the time.
They instructed me to let them know once everything had passed so they could check me. At this appointment they asked me if I wanted to proceed with the Pelvic Laparoscopy to try to pinpoint what was causing my losses. I agreed and afterwards they told me everything was normal. The only thing they noticed which I already knew was that my uterus was tilted. I didn't know what to think and they advised me to stop trying and to consider adopting. I was crushed until I remembered what God showed me in my dreams and that was all I could hold on to; a dream that I wasn't even sure would happen or not.
The following month I conceived and found out I was pregnant for the fifth time. It was days after I started Mothers of Unborn Angels and it was placed on my heart to share my story and let the world know that I was pregnant again; so I did. I was terrified of what people would say and what would happen but I never tried to hide any of it from my followers. They had honestly became my support system even though I was supposed to be theirs. Needless to say I had a beautiful baby girl and never had any complications with the pregnancy or the delivery. I went on to have two more miscarriages after having her but I believe that one day I will be able to give her a sibling or two.